Acknowledging My Privilege: Seven Things to Be Awake For in 2018

My son, Kevin, was born in January of 2001. It was the best day of my life. Every day of that year was joyous, until the 11th of September.

As I rushed home from teaching school that day to reunite with my wife and son, not knowing what might happen to us all, I wondered if bringing a child into this world was unfair to him.

Turns out though that Kevin is such a powerful light in such a dark time that my question was answered soon after.

Of course it’s unfair, but he wanted to exist and the world needed him. So, thank God he came into this world. Kevin brought us hope. And, otherwise there would be no Connor, our second son, and he is another lighthouse in this widening maelstrom.

Growing up in the boring 80s and hearing about the fascinating 60s, I wished I had been born into more interesting times. Now, tired of how “interesting” these times are, I just want the world to stop spinning for a minute, so I can drink a cup of coffee without spilling it or spitting it up.

Colin Kaepernick certainly wasn’t the first athlete to protest what he viewed as racial injustice in the United States. During the 1968 Summer Olympics in Mexico, American medalists Tommie Smith and John Carlos raised their fists during the National Anthem in defiance of racial discrimination in the United States. The International Olympic Committee condemned the two black athletes.

Of course this is coming from a guy who was born in 68, the year Dr. King & Sen. Kennedy were murdered. That was the year of the 68 Democratic National Convention in Chicago. The year of the moon landing, of Tet and Nixon.

I guess fire will follow a guy through his life and manifest in some decades more than others. I wonder if my parents thought the same thing, felt the same way I did when their first son was born.

Now, 17 year’s later, I find my heart is in my mouth again. I never thought I would be the kind of person to put his head in the sand, but a boy can only take so much. A year ago I slipped into a coma of sorts. I had worked for the Clinton campaign, even though I voted for Sanders. Hillary Clinton was the best choice that November. And not merely better than Donald Trump. She would have been a good president. And, I was as shocked and dismayed that he won as I was that she had lost. It was like a trauma for me, but it WAS a trauma for women and people of color, for gays and for muslims.

The fact that Secretary Clinton was a woman did not bother me one bit. But, it is the defining reason why she did not win. No. She did not run the best campaign. Did Donald Trump run a good campaign? Certainly not. Is that why he won? Because of his campaign? No. And, yes, there probably was collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russians, but that’s not what tipped the scales either.

She was not the best candidate, but she was the best choice. Donald Trump was neither a good candidate, nor a good choice. And, he is a terrible president. Secretary Clinton lost, because too many Americans could not vote for a woman. It’s that simple. We live in a country where some people are enlightened, some are confused and others would rather vote for a presidential candidate who is caught dead to rights bragging about sexually assaulting women, than vote for a qualified person who is also a woman for president of their country. How much do you have to hate women to vote for Donald Trump? We don’t live in the “sexist” country I thought we lived in. It’s a much worse. We live in a country filled with misogynists.

Candidate Trump publicly apologized for bragging about groping women.

When Donald Trump was elected, I slipped away. I’m not ashamed of it, and I’m not going to apologize for it, but I will now acknowledge some entitlements that I was born with, some privilege, that I was just plain lucky to get at birth that allowed me to be such an ostrich. I didn’t ask to be born white, male, middle class, straight, Christian and educated. But, I was, and that afforded me the opportunity to pretend some things were not happening when they are and those things are killing America.

However, the recent deluge of accusations and admissions of sexual harassment and assault by celebrities has kicked me in the gut enough times that — I am UP now. And I’m raising two teenaged boys in a time when these seven things are true, that they need me to be awake for. I am up.

First, women are telling their stories of assault, old stories and recent stories. This is painful, but wonderful, too. This is the next (post-suffrage) step in their staking their claim in the American Dream, what’s left if it anyway, a dream that they have been been denied thus far.

Second, women are still being assaulted every day, which means they live in fear all the time, fear of men. Why else would Wonder Woman be the top grossing movie of the year? It was a good movie, but the phenomenon of Wonder Woman is attractive, because it reaches deep into the wounded female psyche. If I feared I might be raped, maybe killed any and every day, I would want to see a woman like Diana who is unafraid, physically strong, confident, who acts as innocently curious about the world as men do, who doesn’t question her ability to do anything she wants.

Third. Women make less money than men. Still? Really? In America? Yes! Only .77 to every dollar a man makes. No country has achieved gender equity yet, not for economic opportunities. So, women all over the world are paid less and have fewer opportunities at work than their the men they work with. According to The World Economic Forum, the top ten countries rated for best gender equality are: 1. Iceland, 2. Norway. 3. Finland — Wait! Is the United States even in the top ten? No. Number ten is the Philippines. We are NOT in the top ten.

Fourth. A woman’s right to control her own body is being argued in the courts, the media and in public. How can that even be an argument? If we, all of us don’t have the right to control our own bodies, what rights do we have? The answer is None. If I were to become pregnant, I don’t think I would get an abortion, but the question is theoretical for me, because I am a man. It’s easy for me to say I would not get one, because I never will face that decision. The land of the free? This is a place where people are openly entertaining the idea of forcing a woman to carry a fetus to full term and to give birth against her will?

Women are sexually harassed, assaulted every day in school, at work, in church on the street and at home. Here in the United States of America it’s not safe to be a sister, a mother, a daughter, a wife, an aunt nor a grandmother.

Fifth. Women are chronically underrepresented in government, business, law enforcement, in the courts and in academia. Only 21% of the senate is comprised of women. Only 30% of judges are women. Only 5% of CEOs are women. In higher education, women make significantly less money, struggle harder to achieve positions of status and represent only a fraction of university leaders.

Sixth. Justice is only for some Americans, not all. People of color make up 60% of those currently incarcerated. White people, like me, are less likely to be falsely convicted or to be searched during a traffic stop.

I was pulled over the other day for speeding. And I was sympathetic to the officer as he walked toward my car. I imagined what it must be like to have a job where you could die any day, just because you chose to spend your life protecting the public.

As he handed me the citation, our eyes met, and I could see he was relieved the traffic stop was almost over and I that was not going to try to kill him. Then, I imagined I was black. Would I be sweating? Would he be sweating, too? If I had black skin, would my nervousness, make him more scared and less rational?

Kevin just got his license. I didn’t have to tell him that if he gets pulled over he must keep his hands where the officer can see them at all times, because he is white. If he were black, it would have been he first thing I said.

I haven’t told him that he doesn’t have to take a naked picture of himself and text it to a girl in his class just because she asked him to, because boys easily say no to things they don’t want to do. Boys are entitled to say no, and they know it. Nobody says, “loosen up, smile, you’re beautiful. Show the world how pretty you are” to my son. And if someone did say these things, he would laugh, scoff or walk away without fear of reprisal. It wouldn’t haunt him. It wouldn’t wound him. He’s a boy.

Seventh. I don’t have to explain to either of my sons why, for example, their school can’t afford computers or sports teams, why we don’t live in a safe neighborhood or why we can’t go skiing in the winter or to the beach in the summer. They just assume these things will be there.

They live in relative luxury, in one of the richest, safest, healthiest places in the world. But, this was just their economic fortune. Many people, including millions of white people live with financial insecurity, close to the line between surviving and not surviving.

So, I have some work to do with Kevin and Connor, now that I have pulled my head out of the sand.

Like an alcoholic struggling with recovery, who has a head full of AA and a belly full of booze, I’m still drunk, but only from the neck down.

My sons are the most respectful, most considerate and most just-minded people I know, perhaps with one exception. My wife, who is likely the reason why they are so concerned with fairness and justice and not just for themselves and their friends.

They do not need to be told woman’s rights include the right not to be touched. They don’t need for me to explain to them that gays are not perverts or that blacks are not violent. They know that Muslims don’t hate America.

But! They do need to know these things about their privilege.

1. They live in a nice house mostly because they were born white, middle class, and to educated parents. It’s not that they don’t deserve it. Everyone should have a nice house, but not everyone does. They just don’t deserve it more than other people.
2. They don’t live in fear of being raped or killed, because they’re white and male and heterosexual.
3. They can accomplish their dreams more easily because they are white, male and speak English.
4. They will become educated because they’re white male and middle-class, and they will be able to use their educations in their lives to make the world a better place for everyone.
5. They eat decent food and enough food because of their privilege.
6. They sleep in comfortable beds because of their privilege.
7. They can say what they want to.
8. They can walk down the street.
9. They can go shopping without being followed.
10. They can dress any way they want without getting sexually charged comments.
11. They can pray anywhere they want.
12. They can work anywhere they want.
13. They can go anywhere they want.
14. They can buy many many things.
15. They have a doctor they can go to if they get sick, and they don’t have to think about how they will pay for it.
16. Dentist too.
17. They play sports, musical instruments and have friends.
18. They can fall in love and not be shamed for it.
19. They can choose whatever job they want.
20. They don’t ever have to have to worry about being forced to have a baby.
21. They can expect fair treatment from the legal system.
22. They can have a gun if they want and not be called dangerous or terrorist.
23. They can vote, if they want, without being questioned about it. They could even run for office if they wanted to.
24. They can fail again and again without being told, “See? I knew you couldn’t do it,” just because of their gender or race. And they have the privilege to learn from their failures rather than being ashamed of them.
25. They can serve in the military if they want.
26. They can go to any place if worship or none at all.
27. They can collect guns or other things and not have to think about how people perceive it.
28. They can enjoy the outdoors, read books, watch movies, eat out, go to museums and libraries.
29. They can miss a day of work without fear of getting fired.
30. They can call a tow truck if their car breaks down and expect it to come.
31. They can take a taxi if their car won’t start.
32. They can go swimming in the public pool.
33. They can apply for a mortgage or home equity loan without expecting undue scrutiny.
34. They can simply walk into a bank and deposit or withdraw money.
35. They can can call a plumber to fix the toilet without wanting a man around in case the plumber is creepy.
36. They can shop for a new car without getting twenty questions about whether they can afford it or being lied to about the technical specs.
37. They can expect good legal counsel.
38. They can play their music at the stop light with the windows down.
39. They can argue with another person without expecting someone to dial 911.
40. They can proudly say their name with wondering if there is going to be an eye roll afterwards.

Most importantly, they can choose whether or not to put their heads in the sand, to recognize that they have privilege or not and to use their privilege with reverence, gratitude and hopefully in the service of extending that same privilege to everyone. Or, they can carry on pretending that they earned their standard of living, if they want to. I hope they will see that they are as fortunate as they are deserving.

There will be presents under the tree again this year. Kevin and Connor can expect that. They can count on it, just like they can count on their privilege to give them the freedom to live they way they want to live, say the things they want to say and love who they want to love without fear of being raped, groped, denied health care, shot, fired, ridiculed, rejected, targeted for investigation, evicted, fined without cause, or denied their hopes and dreams.

When I was a kid growing up in a suburb outside of Boston, I picked up a book that was written in 1962 by a guy named Michael Harrington called The Other America. It was about how there are two Americas, a rich America and a poor America. He wrote it so wealthy people, like me — I was just learning that I was wealthy — might wake up to the reality that the other America even existed, where there were people who had no access to the education, healthcare or the economic opportunities I lived with every day. Well, thinking back to the concept of Harrington’s other — ness, I can see two disturbing things today: First, his other America still exists today — maybe more so than ever. And, second, there are actually many other other America’s. There is a female other America. There is the black other America. There is the gay other America. There is the hispanic other America. There is the muslim other America. There is the rural other America. There are more, others too.

I do have to have a talk with my sons, but not but because I fear either one might die at a traffic stop due the color of his skin or might be raped in the his boss’s office because he has a vagina.

I do have to explain though that each of them has a head start, and he should use it to achieve his dreams and to help others who don’t have privilege live the way they want, love who they want and to accomplish their dreams, too.